I have decided it’s time to stick to what I said ages ago and write about what’s close to my heart. Today it’s depression.
I am one of the lucky few who has suffered depression and recovered. This doesn’t happen to many people. Mine was brought about by a very traumatic time in my life. I was never bad enough to be suicidal but I was surely depressed. The doctor put me on medication and the world was great again.
Then one day I thought to myself ‘do I really want to be on medication for the rest of my life?’ The resounding NO that came to me was my answer. So I did the one thing a person on medication should never do without the doctors permission. I took myself off the meds.
Usually when you’re on prescribed medication you have to wean yourself off them with the aide of a doctor. Thankfully doing it the wrong way didn’t cost me but it could have. So a word of warning, always consult your doctor before doing this!
So despite recovering from depression, I still have bouts of it but I’ve learnt how to deal with it and not let it take over my life. Some days are harder than others but I try to persevere. Sadly, this is not possible for a lot of people. Sometimes depression becomes such a part of you, you lose the strength to fight. And I really do feel that if I had a different personality, I’d be one of those people. Thankfully I am an easy-going person and have a pretty high tolerance to grief and trauma. I think that trauma I went through that first gave me depression strengthened me.
Anyway, I’m not here to brag. I’m not here to say that all depressed people should ‘get over it’. I’m here to say I understand.
It’s not just because of having been through it before either. In fact, it’s because I know a lot of people who have depression. My mother, my father, my sister, my two aunties, friends, many people I work with. I’m around it all the time and having suffered, I understand more than someone who hasn’t.
When you’re depressed everything is too hard. Being happy is hard, instead all you can do is cry. Doing things you used to enjoy is practically impossible. Being social and going out with friends becomes a chore because you just want to lock yourself away and never show yourself again. And the sad thing is, people without depression do not understand these feelings. They think you’re being antisocial. They think you’re weak for crying too much. But do not let them get you down. If you’re ever able to get the confidence talk to them, tell them how you feel. Help them understand and see that the way you’re feeling is not voluntary. You have no control over it.
When my mother was first diagnosed, I was still in high school. In year 11 I saw her change. She was angry, she cried a lot, she yelled and screamed at me for things she had no need to be angry about. I was 17 for goodness’ sake, I had no idea what was going on. All I wanted was my mother back. She wasn’t the person I remember. We argued, my goodness how we argued. Screaming matches even, which was not like us.
Most people know what it’s like when you’re in your final years of high school. You’re under so much pressure, you’re buried under mounds of homework and you often stay up until 2am or 3am just to get it done. Add to that a mother who was in and out of hospital and had become a totally different person and let’s just say my grades suffered. I was fortunate to graduate and I only did by the skin of my teeth. I occasionally find myself wishing I could go back and do my final year but at 33, I don’t feel it’s necessary now.
Anyway, it was during year 12 (I was 18 then) when we found out Mum and clinical depression. Me and my Dad were running the house because Mum wasn’t fit to do so. She went into hospital so many times and was even on suicide watch a few times. Dad and I didn’t understand depression, we kept thinking she’d snap out of it and I’m ashamed to say there were times we told her to. Little did we know it wasn’t that easy.
I will never forget the day Mum was so suicidal I had to take her to hospital. That same day I watched as the nurses took her into the emergency area and I barely recognised my mother. She was a changed person. Then I looked through the window (I wasn’t allowed in) and saw Mum scratching her hand over and over again until it bled. She kept doing it over and over and over. I had to turn away. I couldn’t watch. I was so scared and it was then I knew I had to know more about depression. I had to help her somehow.
When I graduated from school I started researching it then a couple of years later is when I was diagnosed with it. It was only then I truly understood, even if it was to a lesser extent.
Even now, Mum hasn’t recovered but she’s more like the Mum I know than the one I didn’t. She has her days but she’s a lot better and doesn’t even have suicidal tendencies anymore. Of course it’s with the help of medication but at least she’s doing better. It took her many, many years to get this point but she’s there and we’re all just hoping she stays there. But for those that understand depression, you would know that’s not always possible.
Depression…it is debilitating without being noticeable on the outside. People think you’re a perfectly normal person but they have no idea what you’re suffering inside. They have no idea how difficult some days are. Even getting out of bed is a chore. People who haven’t suffered do not have a clue and I wish everyone would take the time out to understand it.
A girl I work with, she told me the other day that her brother tried to suicide. He cut into his thigh, down the major artery. He was found nearly an hour later, nearly dead. Surprisingly he survived but apparently when he woke, his first words were ‘I don’t want to be here’. When I heard this, my heart broke. What this man must be suffering! I don’t know him, I don’t know his past but to try and do that, something must be terribly wrong.
Then this girl said to me ‘I just don’t get it, he’s so selfish’. And you know what? She told him to stop being selfish. I was appalled. She is a perfect example of someone who doesn’t understand. Why doesn’t she ask him what he’s feeling? Why doesn’t she just talk to him and let him open up when he’s ready. Don’t tell him he’s being selfish. He doesn’t need to hear that. Be there for him, support him, help him recover, try and understand.
So, what am I trying to say here? I know I’ve babbled on a lot but as I said this topic is close to my heart. What I’m trying to say is: depression is a silent illness, don’t judge people. Yes, sadly there are people who pretend to have depression to get attention and sympathy but still, don’t judge until you know the facts because there are many people who are genuinely suffering. If you don’t understand depression, take the time out to understand it.
If you haven’t suffered it, you may not ever truly understand it but at least you’ll know the debilitating effects it can have on people.
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